Through the looking glass, and what I found there…
FYI, this post is a bit of a long one. I had a thing or two to get off my chest :) “One day”, as Kerouac felt, “I will find the right words, and they will be simple.” But today is not yet that day. The majority of future posts will be significantly less ambitious in scope and therefore much shorter. I am including a recording of me reading this for those who prefer or find it more convenient to listen. For those who make the effort I appreciate your time and attention. I hope it stimulates introspection. Either way, I welcome you to check out my new website - www.selfandsangha.com
As readers of my blog The Traveling Sangha will already know, four years ago a series of events led to dramatic changes in my life. Many significant and decades old mental health struggles unraveled and I suddenly felt amazing, as if there wasn’t a single problem left to be solved in this life. I left my job as a tax consultant and was excited to write about my life experience and find ways to help others suffering from the many issues I had struggled with myself.
After several months basking in the remarkable changes I realized that I was still living with many of the same self-destructive and self-sabotaging behavior patterns as before. My moment to moment quality of life was inconceivably better and I knew exactly what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Despite this, I wasn’t moving forward with my new intentions. As the weeks and months rolled along I became restless and started searching for the reason why.
So what have I been up to these last few years? Why did I stop writing and sharing? Have I begun doing anything to help others struggling with their mental health?
I assume most readers are familiar with Lewis Carroll’s novel Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. In the story, Alice goes ‘down the rabbit hole’ to face a myriad of unsolvable puzzles, strange characters, and disorienting circumstances. The major theme of the novel is the search for identity. I see the period of my life up to four years ago much like Alice’s adventure, deep down a rabbit hole unsure of myself and everything else until I found the way out.
Carroll wrote a lesser known sequel to Alice called Through the Looking Glass, and what Alice Found There. In this story, Alice goes ‘through the looking glass’ into a world where everything is turned upside down and inside out. She is more sure of herself than when down the rabbit hole but must negotiate her newfound identity within various social contexts. I see the last four years of my life as similar to this. I emerged from the rabbit hole facing a new and unfamiliar world while slowly adjusting to a new and unfamiliar me.
This is what I found through the looking glass…
The first thing I found was somatic trauma therapy. A few difficult situations in childhood left me with a hyperactive nervous system, and to cope with the overwhelming sensory activity I became dissociated from my body. After reading Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score, I figured cultivating some body awareness might be helpful to resolve any remaining unconscious fixation and get me moving in life.
I met with a somatic trauma therapist (and I’m convinced also an angel) every week for a full year. I learned to allow and embody difficult and unsettling body sensations and emotions without dissociating or impulsively seeking out distraction. I also learned how to move and breathe more fluidly and naturally, and how to perceive and orient myself in the world in healthier ways. This process helped me to feel more grounded and calm, significantly reducing my hypervigilant tendencies. I still meet with him often and intend to continue learning from him as long as he’ll have me.
But as Alan Watts recognized, “There is a price to be paid for every increase in consciousness. We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain.” Reconnecting with my body meant engaging energies and emotions that had been trapped and hiding in the dark crevices of my psyche and physical body for decades.
I experienced rolling panic attacks for several months and feared at times that I might be going insane. I also had an incredibly difficult psychedelic experience where I went through every ring of hell and back again, full on fire and brimstone in vibrant and terrifying technicolor. I now know my dark side intimately. These energies and emotions are, even sometimes to this day, less than pleased that I intend to bring them out of hiding.
Despite these difficulties, my year in therapy was a raging success. I am more embodied, resilient, and self-aware, and I have infinitely more stress tolerance. But as the months passed I still wasn’t making progress with my intention to share and help others find their own way forward.
I then felt called to process past events with my parents. There was so much they didn’t know about my life and I didn’t feel good about it. I went back home for three months to spend quality time with them and share all the things I hadn’t found the space to share in the past. In many cases, these were things I hadn’t shared with anyone, things that had for decades desperately needed to come out.
We had a few challenging conversations, but they were easily the most beautiful I’ve ever had. The energy in the room was intense but full of love, understanding, and forgiveness for so many things, as cathartic as the best of ancient Greek drama – but real. If you have something to share with your parents, or if you are a parent who has something to share with your child, I highly recommend you consider making the effort. The process might be excruciating in anticipation, but the resulting honesty is a liberating and joyful gift.
I hoped the catharsis would free up the energy I needed to move forward, but when I returned to Zurich I was just as paralyzed as before.
I spent the next year bouncing around the globe looking for answers under every rock I could find. I enjoyed ridiculously good street food while sharing ideas and stories with inspiring people from every walk of life. I sat many hundreds of hours of meditation. I fasted for eleven straight days. I received several healing sessions of the ancient Taoist practice of Chi Nei Tsang. I participated in three beautiful ceremonies with the Amazonian frog medicine Kambo. I faced my biblical fear of snakes spending time with the reptile rescue in Koh Phangan, Thailand. I took a yoga teacher training in Portugal. I spent a month completely off the grid at a magical place in Mexico while becoming a certified somatic movement teacher.
Despite all this learning, growth, and healing, despite all this movement, I was still unable to move when it came to my intentions to write, share, and help others. I was no closer to getting started than I was four years ago.
On a freezing cold January morning earlier this year, just a few short months ago, I was sitting in my best friend’s living room taking stock of the situation. Practical concerns were making it necessary to finally make concrete decisions about the way forward. I could no longer continue circling around my frustrations. Something had to give.
In day to day terms, my life is great, incomparable to what it was like just a few years ago. I have amazing and supportive people around me. I am engaged with all kinds of super interesting topics and consistently do cool shit. I have acquired many useful skills and know a tremendous amount of information that could really help people who are struggling, or help anyone really, to live a more present and fulfilling life. Everyone I talk to about my ideas and intentions loves them, and I get nothing but enthusiastic and encouraging feedback.
So what’s the problem? Why has this been such a difficult process?
I was no longer suffering as I had before, but despite the fact that I have an interesting and adventure filled life, something was missing. I was somehow not living fully.
How can this be? What’s missing? What can I do to make progress that I haven’t already tried?
I suddenly received a visit from a very old friend I hadn’t heard from in many years – the thought that I should just disappear, that I should go completely off grid without notice or the slightest connection to my past, to return only after, or if, I somehow figured things out.
I had danced with this thought many times before. First, as a child wondering whether, and hoping that, literally disappearing was in fact possible. Later in life I often thought about simply running away and trying to start over, somehow leaving the past behind. In my darker moments, I considered the ultimate disappearing act – suicide.
During those previous visits, the thought was accompanied by intense overwhelm, confusion, and embarrassment. It came during periods of my life when I just couldn’t cope with my emotions, my mistakes, my inconsistencies, my irresponsible behaviors, or the mountain of shame over how much of a mess my life was.
On this visit, however, the circumstances of my life were much different.
I am now able to manage my emotions, and my moment to moment mental state is overwhelmingly positive. I am typically focused on the interesting things I am learning, not on things that I haven’t done as correctly as I would have liked or am embarrassed about. I still have my moments, but I wouldn’t call myself irresponsible. There are some important areas of life that sure could use more of my attention, but my life is no longer a mess. As my somatic teacher tells me when I express my worries or doubts about moving forward – you already have everything you need.
I realized that this time the thoughts were fueled by a different kind of shame, the shame of inaction. I was ashamed of the fact that I hadn’t made progress on my intentions. I was ashamed that I wasn’t helping to reduce suffering in the world when I knew that I probably somehow could. I was ashamed that all the information and experience I had at my disposal was being consumed by a wild goose chase down a black hole of frustration. I was so ashamed that I almost couldn’t bear the idea of admitting to others that I was stuck and unable to move forward, and despite all my professed self-awareness, that I didn’t have the slightest idea why.
For a few moments, the thought of disappearing was soothing, just like it had been so many times before. The idea of going far away and not having to admit to anyone that I somehow wasn’t up to the task lifted, at least momentarily, the heaviest of existential burdens.
But after a few minutes of considering the details and next steps of my imminent disappearance, a competing narrative appeared.
Really?
WTF is that for a plan, to leave everything I love and am so blessed to have? To up and vanish while there is a real chance I might be able to do some good and help some people out? Have I already forgotten what it is like to live day to day with compromised mental health?
And why would I leave and not tell anyone? And cause all that worry and concern? Wasn’t my intention to reduce suffering rather than cause it?
Who am I running from? Am I running? I thought I was seeking.
I wrestled with these questions for a while and it dawned on me that, throughout my whole life, everyone had always accepted me for who I was. Nobody cares what I do, they simply care that I am. Even with all the shitty things I’ve done over the years unskillfully coping with my issues, my friends and family have always stood by me. And even with all the unskillful ways I handled issues with colleagues, customers, or strangers in the past, I never left a situation with a real enemy. Even when it was messy and unfortunate, people have always given me the benefit of the doubt.
This led me to consider: Who or what then, am I running from?
After a long pause came the answer: Myself.
All this time I had been searching for some profound experience that would make me ‘ready’ for what was to come. If I only meditated more, or did this or that crazy thing, or tried this or that new therapeutic approach, I would one day be ready and able to put myself out there and offer my support to others.
JAM TOMORROW!
My quality of life had improved dramatically, no doubt about it, but deep down my self-image was the same as it had been when I was depressed and suffering. I was needing for me to somehow become a completely different person before I would dare do the things I intended to do and share what I intended to share. I just couldn’t see myself as capable of making a positive contribution to the world.
As much as I was seeking, all my life really, I was simultaneously running - from myself.
Trauma is insidious like that. A relatively few difficult moments in time can leave such powerful imprints that override a lifetime of evidence to the contrary. Despite all the acceptance I’ve received from others my whole life, deep down I still saw my place in the world through the eyes of a scared, confused, and angry little boy.
Even after these last years of learning, healing, and growing, after thousands of hours of meditation, multiple therapies, hundreds of relevant books, and the actual felt experience of living life in a dramatically different and healthier way, I still lacked the awareness to see clearly what was happening.
I thought that I had accepted myself. I paid lip service to it. In certain moments I definitely had accepted myself. But decades of self-rejection is powerful habit energy that requires more commitment to transform than one moment of insight or understanding. This whole time that energy of self-rejection was under the surface, still running the show, making it impossible for me to move forward. Deep down I just couldn’t believe I was up to such an important task.
We all have something to say about who we think we are, what we believe, or what is important to us. But we are much more accurately defined by how we live our lives. As Carl Jung wrote, “You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.”
This life is a vast, interconnected, and interdependent web, and if we don’t manage to find ways to positively contribute we will feel lost. I realize that unless I start practicing radical self-acceptance I won’t be able to move forward and live the life of vulnerability and openness that I intend to. A vital part of this acceptance will be trusting myself to act in and contribute to the world without the oppressive self judgment caused by false perceptions stuck within distorted memories of difficult moments long past.
“We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses…and so acceptance of oneself is the essence of the moral problem and the acid test of one’s whole outlook on life.” Carl Jung
In my cocky naivety four years ago I thought the project of life was somehow complete because I was no longer personally suffering in the way I had been accustomed to. But as the writer Louis L’Amour realized, “There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.”
I won’t be so naïve this time.
I’ve learned that healing is a long process that requires commitment, courage, and finally, and perhaps most importantly, contribution. There is no final moment in time when the job is done. There may be profound moments of deep insight or clarity, but these must be followed up with a commitment to live differently. We must make this commitment to ourselves, and ultimately each other, and decide each and every day to do the things we need to do, and make the choices and sacrifices we need to make, to create meaningful and healthy lives in the face of life’s challenges and mysteries, in the face of all the things we can’t possibly understand.
When my Mom used to worry about me I’d always tell her, “Don’t worry Mom, I’m never lost, I’m just finding a new way to get somewhere.” That way led deep down a rabbit hole of fear, confusion, struggle, and countless crazy adventures, then out of the hole toward understanding, gratitude, and hope, and finally through the looking glass of frustration, all the way back to where it started - face to face with myself. I didn’t have the skills to see through it all and accept myself as a child, but I sure am grateful for another opportunity to do so now.
All that running and searching took me around the world, and in different ways at different times almost out of it. Funny that what I was running from and looking for was the same thing, something much closer than I could have possibly imagined, and something that in the end, only I can give to myself.
“We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.” TS Eliot
I sat for a while with these realizations on that cold January morning before jumping into the freezing swimming pool outside, perhaps to make sure I was still physically present after my near disappearance. When I came back inside I promised myself that I would begin the process of truly accepting myself and that I would commit to it for as long as it takes.
No more running. No more seeking. Much like Proust, “My destination is no longer a place, rather a new way of seeing.” I must learn to see myself with new eyes and reimagine my place in this world. I must learn how to see myself with the eyes that everyone else has the entire time.
The first step in that process is to make the intentions of four years ago finally come to life, and to begin making a genuine, authentic, and positive contribution to this world, on my terms, with whatever I have at my disposal, right where I stand, for better or worse.
JAM TODAY!
The last several months have been interesting as I’ve begun exploring an entirely new way to be in the world. Instead of unconsciously running in circles around the tyrannical energies of shame and self-consciousness, I have changed course to consciously move step by step through the center and transmute these old energies into something new.
I’ve drifted up and down on waves of resolve and doubt, followed by waves of excitement and panic. Each day a new visitor, each day a new lesson. Each crest a new challenge, each trough a release of something that I no longer need. And as the weeks have rolled along I noticed that what I had been seeking these last years had finally been found – progress.
Just a few days ago I was absolutely certain, for about 36 hours, that this whole idea was nonsense. What the hell was I thinking? What possibly might my far less-than-perfect weirdo self have to offer anyone looking to live a better life? I again wanted to run, to hide, to disappear. But I remembered my intention, and I just sat and observed as that particular wave crested and fell away.
As I caught the inevitable next wave upwards I looked down and took the hand of the confused and angry six year old inside me, and the hand of his terrified ten year old companion. I gently lifted their chins so they could see, through clearing skies, all the possibilities on the horizon ahead, possibilities that had for so long been obscured by dark clouds. I smiled warmly and whispered in their ears…
…Today is not a good day to disappear. There is so much to do, and with our combined experience, we are perfect for the work that lies ahead.
In that spirit, I humbly and gratefully announce that I will finally be writing and sharing more and that I’ll also be formally offering support to anyone struggling or suffering in life.
Please check out my website - www.selfandsangha.com - and, if you haven’t already, please subscribe to this journal. I will use this space to share stories, perspectives, and insight from my crazy little corner of the world, as well as to keep people updated about new ideas or tools I come across and projects that I’m working on.
Please reach out if you feel that you or someone you care about could use some help or guidance on the road to an improved quality of life. My approach will be very different than most mainstream options. But for those open to moving, thinking, and interacting with life in new ways, I will be here waiting with an abundance of ideas, curiosity, gratitude, and compassion.
The name of the project is Self and Sangha. Self relates to the individual work that we all must do to heal and take responsibility for our lives. Sangha relates to the role of community in the process, and how we can better establish and leverage community in our lives. I look forward to further exploring and sharing with others what these two important dynamics of a human experience can look like in the best case so that more of us can share in the many blessings of a healthy and fulfilling life.
Thank you so much for your time and attention.
With lots of love and gratitude, welcome to Self and Sangha.
“And suddenly you know: It’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.” Meister Eckhart
